Monday, April 25, 2011

Full of Doubt

Now that we are about a week-ish away from doing our first insemination, it seems like we are getting cold feet.  We discussed for last night all of the things that are worrying us about having a baby and it feels like instead of feeling better about our worries, we feel worse.  The main worries are about money and me quitting my job to stay at home with the little bambino.  Can we really live off of $30,000 less, even for a year?  And what about me having health insurance?  It is really ok for me to be uninsured, for a year or possibly more?  And if not, can we afford the cost of me having private insurance, even crappy private insurance?  And there just aren’t many solutions.  I’m not too worried about not having health insurance for this time but my mother sure is worried about it, which makes me worried.  I looked into it this morning and it looks like it would be about $1,000-$1,500 a year to have the insurance, which isn’t great but isn’t impossible either.  Also, I could go back to working at least part time earlier than a year if we started to really struggle.  It would just be a matter of finding cheap enough day care for while I was at work to make my working worth while.  And there are a few options for part time work that would include health insurance, but none of them would put me any closer to becoming a teacher, which is ultimately what I want to do.  

All I can say to all of this I guess is that I hope that this sort of freak out is normal and that there are solutions to all of this going hell, just not solutions I like.  Also, while we could be in a better place to have a baby in a lot of ways, there is ALWAYS room for improvement.  So even if we had $10,000 saved up and could put me on S’s insurance then we’d still probably come up with reasons to be worried.  There will never be a perfect time and we will figure this out.  I’m going to try now that I’ve gotten that out of my system to be positive because S can’t handle anyone being negative but her.  It’s a lot of pressure to always be the positive one though.

I think that the other reason I’m feeling so sour today is that thanks to bad choices and Easter potluck, I gained 1.2 lbs this week.  Oh and I made myself a great lunch today to take to work only to leave it on the counter at home.  Lame.  I think I have a case of the Mondays. 


  1. ahhh, I could have written this post myself!!! I can totally understand the doubts... we're having some of the same ones you guys are, with my job security issues and whatnot, and I'm sure the stress will only get worse as we get closer to doing the actual deed.

    BUT, the good news is... things always seem to work themselves out, don't they? Everything gets better, no matter how much stress it causes you before it does. Take deep breaths, and remember your reasons and rationale for wanting/having a baby in the first place. And now... I'm gonna go take my own advice. =)

  2. Please get at least catostrophic health insurance--there are so many things that can come up that you don't expect that having even that level of coverage will help you with. and I think it's a totally normal thing to worry about (since I worry about it, too)!

  3. Those are all very good worry points, and I think it's an extremely normal process to go through. But, timing is never optimal, I don't think. Part of it comes down to a leap of faith that everything will work out. I hope it all works out for you. Easy for a reader to say... but I'm going to say it anyway.

  4. Three things:

    1. Someone told me once that there is no perfect time to have a baby. Ever. It's true. So you might as well do it when you want to do it.

    2. I worried my entire pregnancy about quitting my job and wondering how we'd survive without my income. Once we had Grace, I made a budget, we stick to it, and I have much fewer worries than I did before she was born.

    3. I am covered under private insurance. I pay $140 per month. It's totally doable.

  5. I agree with Melissa. There is NEVER a perfect time to have a baby. It'll work out. And maybe you won't be able to be a SAHM for long, but you'll have a baby! I have an extremely close relationship with my mom and I was in daycare from about a month old. :-)

    Good luck!

  6. Even though your dream of three women and a little baby is crumbling, and my insomniac self won't be here to keep little Boonchico company in the middle of the night, you girls have a lot of amazing things going for you:) You are going to be the BEST MOMS EVER!!!! You should seriously consider moving to the UK, a civilized country where healthcare is free for everyone-and then we could keep the dream alive!....