Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Trying to stay on the Sunny Side

I know that this blog isn’t intended to be a list of all the things going wrong in our life, and I’m sorry if it has turned into that.  But these things weigh heavy on my mind and it helps to get them out.  On the car front, the timing chain went out and basically destroyed my engine.  I’m still waiting to hear from the dealership and some of my work resources (in a round about way I work for a car company) to see if we can put a rebuilt engine in it and cut a deal to make the repair at or less than $2K, in which case it is worth paying to fix it, even if the car is a bit old (an 04 with 80,000 miles).  And if not, then I think we are going to have to say no to repairing the car, sell it for scrap and try to find me some very cheap used car to get by with.  I’m really hoping that we can work something out and just get my car fixed, but who knows at this point.

In baby news, because this after all is a parenting/baby blog, Jude is doing great.  He is on meds now for Thrush and I think the medicine is making him feel a bit weird and sometimes sleepy.  Last night he took the medicine (which we have to rub on his tongue and on the roof of his mouth, you can imagine how much he dislikes this)  and after fussing for quite a while, passed out and slept from 8:45 pm to 1:30 am, which is quite a long stretch for him.  Of course after that he ate, got more meds and was up until 3 am and was back up before 6 am.  Le sigh.  This part of having a new born is pure torture.  I think that the hard part about the sleep deprivation isn’t so much being tired, which is for sure very hard, but the hard part is knowing that things won’t change any time soon.  For a normal, childless adult, a night of bad sleep isn’t a big deal because you know you’ll go to bed early the next night/sleep in on the weekend/take a nap or something to that effect, but with a new born you know that there is no way that in your future you will “make up” for the sleep you lost.  And so at least for me when I am tired and up with him at night sometimes I get this angry hopeless feeling that just overwhelms me.  It’s this little evil voice in my head that says, "this will never get better; you will always be tired and miserable."  During the day, I know that isn’t true, that he will start sleeping through the night as he gets older and things really aren’t even all that bad, but man at night, I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And I really have no right to complain as S gets up twice as much as I do and gets far less sleep than I do because of getting up more and having to pump in the night.  Which of course makes me feel like a jerk, which doesn’t help things, as it sucks to feel hopeless/angry/sad/tired and then feel guilty for feeling that way.  Does anyone else feel this way? 

I guess if I’m being honest I have been a little depressed this last month, which probably accounts for my negative feelings at night.  I’ve been dealing with mild depression my whole life and have been on and off antidepressants since I was in my early 20s.  I think that this time around it’s just related to the stress of being a new parent and the stress we have been under in general and depression is how I react to lots of stress, which sucks, but it is what it is.  I think just admitting it helps a bit.  Right now all I want to do is lay in bed and cry and not get up and not do anything ever again.  It’s really hard to get out of bed and be productive and not just wallow, but I keep getting up and doing my best.  And I guess at this point that is all I can do.

Jude is an amazing baby though.  I love to hold him and snuggle him and just all around love him more than words can say.  He has amazing head/neck control and if he is on his stomach he pretty much doesn’t stop holding his head up and looking side to side.  He also in the last few days has been really into being held so that he can put his weight on his feet and basically doing a mama assisted stand.  It’s pretty cool as I’m fairly sure he isn’t supposed to be able to do either of these things so well at not even 5 weeks.  I guess that’s what being way over due gets you, an advanced baby J.

So looks like I’m actually quitting my job now on March 30th instead of April 6th.  S got a call yesterday from her work saying that she misunderstood her FMLA/maternity leave and that she actually needs to be back on April 13th, not April 23rd.  It’s annoying because she specifically asked if she could take a week of vacation and then start her leave after the vacation and they said yes but now are taking it back.  I think that they are just really needing her there and that’s why all of this came about.  Not the end of the world, and I’m excited to get to quit a week earlier, but still annoying.

5 weeks tomorrow!  I can’t believe it!  I’ll get pictures posted tomorrow of our loveable little chunk!


  1. Nighttime is mild torture for almost everyone. The nurses in the NICU told us that when we feel hopeless in the middle of the night, to remember that there are so many other parents feeling exactly the way you are--you're not alone.

    Our baby is 11 weeks old and I don't suffer through the nights the way that I used to. Not sure if that's the baby sleeping better or me changing my expectations and/or getting used to being woken up every 2 hours.

    I'm not struggling with the negativity partly because I'm taking medication. I support you in getting back on something during this stressful time.

    Take care.

  2. Being really really tired feels like the worst thing in the world because it makes it impossible to feel joy, excitement, or optimism. Once at the end of a long sleepless week I told Michael that I didn't see any reason why I should be hopeful about the future and I didn't think life was worth living, mostly out of sheer tiredness. So I totally understand your feelings and honestly its that lack of sleep that scares me most about having children. My mom said that she doesn't remember being tired with me when she wasn't working because she just took naps whenever I did. Maybe this doesn't make your life interesting or productive, but maybe you can at least look forward to more naps when you are home with him. And my sister-in-law who is on baby number 3 says that 12 lbs is the magic weight where they start sleeping through the will be soon for you! I love you and hope you start feeling better soon, though I imagine that every new parent feels overwhelmed at first. I know you are doing a great job!

  3. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with sleeping and car troubles and all of that! Have you talked to someone about the depression? It might make it harder to sleep even when you do get the chance. On the up side, only 20-some days until you can be free to be home with Jude and just enjoy his babyness! :)