Being a mother has changed me. I feel very much that my title at work or accomplishments in school or anything mean very little to me now. I am Jude’s mom and that is the only title I need. I would do anything, sacrifice anything, endure anything for this little tiny being that has taken over my being in the best way. I cannot explain how the first time you set eyes on your child, you just know, your life is changed and going to continue to change for a long time.
There is so much joy. I cannot explain the first time he smiled at me and I knew it was just for me. I would make my silly elephant noise 1,000 a day to get a squeal, smile or laugh. He is over that noise, but I still do it because I remember the amazing things it made him do for months. He smiles and laughs all the time now, but it still just fills me up and makes me unbelievably happy. A baby sleeping in your arms with that “nothing could ever harm me” look. When I wake up in the morning and he is just cooing and playing and enjoying some Jude time before the day starts. When he finishes a bottle at night and he sighs and curls against me, ready to just sleep like that. It takes all my willpower to put him back in his crib.
I sat for 15 minutes today and just watched him play. He had the boppy around him and was playing with his dr. toy. (the one with the beads you move around the wire) He was moving them, pulling at the toy, shifting his weight around and went onto his stomach and side and back. I was behind him and he did not even know I was there, but it was an amazing moment for me to just watch him work.
There is sadness. I still get upset about the time when he was in the NICU. I wish he could live in a bubble, so I would be sure he would not get hurt or worse ever. I know that is insane, but the thought of ever loosing my little man is unbearable. I hate when something hurts him or he falls over and gets upset. Every time he cries, I fell anxious even when it is good for him. He cried for literally 20 seconds tonight before falling asleep, but I have to keep busy. It still eats me up even when it is good for him. He also does not need me the same way he used too. My little cuddly lump of a baby does not want to cuddle and be held other then when he needs to be comforted. He wants to move and play and be independent as much as his non mobile self can be. I love this new Jude, but also miss my cuddle little guy.
There is anger. The other day, he would not nap (hence why we started sleep training). I tried everything. He screamed at me for an hour and finally I said, “okay, you win”. He doesn’t speak English quite yet, so he didn’t know what I was saying and kept crying. I got angry and yelled, “you got what you wanted, so shut up!” It can be so frustrating some days when you had a long day at work and then you come home to a crazy baby.
There is euphoria. I don’t know how else to describe it. An example is he is mimicking things now. I show him how to play with something and then he does it the best he can. It is amazing, and daunting, to know that I am teaching a person to live one tiny motor, social, verbal, etc skill at a time. Or when he sees you come thru the door and smiles so big he throws his body back with joy.
Being a mom is so much and I still sometimes just look at him and burst into tears because he is my little slice of everything. I thought I knew love and now I know a whole different love. I cannot explain motherhood to you any better than that little glimpse. Here are some pics to reward you for listening to my sappy love note to my little man:)